Royals fans, hire a chiropractor….
God Bless the Kansas City Royals. God Bless them as hard as he/she/it possibly can. Last year the Royals absolutely tore the cover off the ball, you know for the Royals. They were second in the AL in batting average and hits, however most of their hits went only for singles, and strictly when nobody was on base. They had a serious problem getting runners in, to the clip of Tenth in the AL in runs scored. Michael Jordan had more RBI’s in his one season as a Baron than all but 3 players in a Royals uniform in 2010. Really let that sink in. They were second in the league in hits, and Michael Jordan, a .202 hitter, had more RBI’s than did any Royal not named Butler (78), Betancourt (78), or Guillen (62) in 2010, and he took time off to save the Looney Tunes. And this was the bright spot. Royals pitching in 2010? Dead last in ERA, and it wasn’t close. This is a sinking ship. So when there’s a hole in the side of a sinking ship what do you do? If you said bore a hole in the other side of the ship to, you know, even it out, you are more than qualified to captain the S.S. Kansas City Royals.
Now I grew up in the Midwest watching the hapless Royals look like the poor kid who got the Africa map on Carmen San Diego. However, although I’m a huge Cubs fan, I love the Royals. Thus I’m going to start this off by saying Dayton Moore, captain of the S.S. Kansas City Royals, attempted to do the right thing first, trade the important talented ones to pirates for supplies to fix the leaky ship. Further, he took the Paul Walker of baseball, Yuniesky Betancourt, and made him walk the plank. How is it possible that 9.5% of this country is unemployed, but Yuniesky Betancourt, Paul Walker, and any black guy who will dress up as a grandma can live in a mansion? Is that racist?
Anyways, there was good, but for every iota of good, there is going to be ten kil0tons of bad. I’m talking Bartolo Colon’s diet bad, Mississippi standardized test score bad, Mali’s swim team bad (that’s a Saharan joke not a black people can’t swim joke, you racists). I’m talking about the Royals starting rotation. This may be one of the all-time worst rotations. It will certainly be worse than the Royals 2006 staff which hurled beachballs in at a 5.65 clip. I promise you, watching the Royals in the field in 2011 will be as unbearable as watching Gilmore Girls with someone who “wants to wait ’til they’re married.” The best pitcher on this staff is Bruce Chen (in the 4 spot), who the Royals let go, then had a Wile E. Coyote “oh shit” moment and re-signed him. The top of the rotation is made up of Luke Hochevar, a legit 3-4 starter, but an ace? He’s about as much of an ace as Nickelback is a revolutionary musical movement. The only people shaking in their boots when you say Luke Hochevar are the 2005 Auburn Tigers, not an ace. Their numbers 2 and 3 are Jeff Francis and Kyle Davies, neither of which has pitched well in recent years. Francis was an ace, a bona fide number one, but has not been the same since 2007 and struggled at times coming back from injury last year. Every pitcher in this rotation gives up at least a home run per 9, and none have a career ERA better than Chen’s 4.64. As a reference, Carlos Zambrano, who seems to be very prone to the long ball, has a career 0.7 HR/9, and Jamie Moyer’s career HR/9 is better than 4 of the 5 starters. Mind you Jamie Moyer has given up more home runs than any pitcher…ever. It’s going to be bad Royals fans, very, very bad.
So here’s to praying to whomever you choose to pray to that Yost decides to throw strictly Joakim Soria this season, finds more value to trade to pirates for supplies, or at least grows a goddamn mustache.